Negative Self-Talk: Why It Happens and How to Change It

The Voice We All Have

Negative self-talk is something everyone experiences.

It’s often also referred to as our inner critic - that quiet (or not-so-quiet) voice in your head can shape how you see yourself, what you think, what you believe and therefore the actions you take (or don’t take).

We tend to listen to it, even when it’s not truth.

It can often get louder in midlife when we’re going through change, uncertainty, menopause or identity shifts.

It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us… it’s a normal part of the human experience.

The important thing is that we recognise when we’re doing it and consciously do something to change it.

What Is Negative Self-Talk?

We all have an inner monologue – that voice inside our heads that sometimes never seems to shut up!

Depending on the monologue, this voice can be motivating, inspiring and positive… or it can be critical, judgemental and harsh.

Negative self-talk is the voice that judges your abilities, self-worth and behaviours or actions.

It focuses on weaknesses, shortcomings and failures rather than strengths, accomplishments and wins.  

Examples of negative self-talk include:

• “I’m not good enough.”

• “I always mess things up.”

• “It’s too late for me.”

• “Other people have it figured out - I don’t.”

• “I can’t do this.”

Negative self-talk can become an habitual way of thinking and therefore automatic and unconscious.

It is often shaped by past experiences, our up-bringing, conditioning, peer pressure, and expectations from others and ourselves.

It can distort reality because it’s also often untrue, not based on facts and exaggerated.

This undermines our confidence and makes us less happy and less effective – yet despite this, we generally believe it!

Over time it becomes a habit, and it can quickly spiral out of control.

I have often caught myself in this spiral!

When I become aware of it, I realise I’ve been unconsciously doing it for sometime, and it’s really affected my mood and actions.  

Does negative self-talk stop you from truly reaching for your goals and dreams?

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Why We Do It

The brain is wired for protection, not confidence.

Negative self-talk and self-criticism is often an attempt to avoid failure or embarrassment, and to stay safe and familiar.

Buying into what the inner critic tells you lets you off the hook – it protects you from doing something that might cause unwanted feelings.

If you believe that you’re incapable, that you don’t deserve something, that you’ll never be good enough...then you’ll most likely never put yourself in a situation where you risk these unwanted feelings.

Negative self-talk happens all throughout our lives, however during midlife it can increase due to life transitions or a loss of certainty or identity.

Midlife is often a time of shift – where our priorities can change, we start to want different things and move in different directions.

It can cause uncertainty, a level of anxiety and unrest.

When we’re feeling like this, our brain defaults to protection mode and ‘talks’ us out of taking risks and moving out of our comfort zones.  

The Impact of Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk can have a huge impact on our lives, affecting our mental, physical and emotional well-being.

It can increase stress, anxiety and depression by lowering our self-esteem, confidence and self-belief.

We start seeing ourselves as incapable or ‘not enough’, which stops us from trying different things or taking action on our goals.

Negative self-talk reinforces limiting beliefs which then negatively impacts our behaviours – hello procrastination, avoidance and staying small.

Over time, the way you speak to yourself becomes an unconscious, learned response, and the lens through which you see what’s possible, and what’s not.

How to Change It

Awareness is key.

The first step is to catch the negative self-talk by consciously monitoring your inner dialogue.

When you’re conscious of your self-talk, you can pick up on recurring phrases you might say about yourself, pay attention to how you speak to yourself when you make a mistake, you don’t ‘perform’ as expected, you’re tired or overwhelmed, or you step outside your comfort zone.

Strategies can include:

1. Name it and put it back in it’s box

• Identifying it for what it is - “This is self-doubt, not truth.”

• Talk back to it. I often talk back to my negative self-talk by saying something like “Yes, I can hear you, but I’m not going to listen to you and I’m going to take the action anyway.” Might sound silly, but it works for me!

2. Challenge it

• Question the accuracy by asking: Is this fact or fear?

• What evidence do I have?

3. Reframe it

• Replace harsh thoughts with more supportive and helpful ones. For example: Instead of “I failed” replace it with “I just learned something.” Or “I can’t do this” with “I can try a different way.”

• Use the power of YET – instead of saying “I don’t know how to do this” add YET to the end – “I don’t know how to do this YET.” This helps create a growth mindset and the belief that you have the ability to learn.

4. Choose a kinder inner voice

• Speak to yourself as you would a friend – ask: “Would I speak to someone I love this way?”

• Practice self-compassion – be kinder to yourself when things don’t go to plan, or you find something difficult or challenging.

5. Take action anyway

• Confidence grows after action, not before. The trick is to do the ‘thing’ regardless of any negative self-talk that might be occurring.

Remember

The goal isn’t to never have negative self-talk – that’s not realistic.

The goal is to become aware of it, change it to something more supportive and stop letting it run the show.

Optional Journal Prompts / Reflection

• What do I automatically say to myself when I’m facing a fear or challenge?

• Does this self-talk help or hinder me?

• What would change if I spoke to myself with more kindness and acceptance?

• What belief am I ready to question or change?

Are you ready to knock negative self-talk to the curb?

Would you love personalised support to learn the strategies that actually work, build confidence, and move forward with intention?

This is exactly what I help women with through my Dream It… Plan It… Do It… life and mindset coaching.

Check it out HERE